This month in our Fresh Air Fridays sessions we have been talking about self belief. The conversation started by considering what we say to ourselves about ourselves, recognising the inner chatter that goes on in our heads and what it is saying to us.
If you’ve never considered this before you may be wondering what do we mean when we say the inner chatter or self talk. This is what we say to ourselves when we are thinking about something. The voice could be a cheerleader saying things such as ‘you can do it’, ‘keep going’, or it could be a critic making comments like ‘I’ll get found out soon’, ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘what will everyone think’, ‘you are so stupid, how could you think you can do this’.
We all have periods in our lives where we experience doubt in ourselves and others where we feel confident and able to take on any challenge. It can sometimes feel like we have more than once voice inside us, one is encouraging and the other is trying to stop us. When the critical voice is silenced or the various conflicting voices feel in balance, then we can get on with life.
If you regularly have a critical inner voice this can hold you back from many things such as putting yourself forward for a challenging project or a promotion. It might also stop you doing things in your personal life.
Body language is also important in how we feel about ourselves, it is helpful when you are out walking to roll your shoulders back, keep your head up and walk with a good pace and rhythm. Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist, has researched the impact of body language on how we feel about ourselves. Here is a link to her ted talk on this subject:
Amy Cuddy - Your Body Language Shapes who you are
Through noticing the voice and softening the way you talk to yourself, you will notice your confidence in many areas of your life will improve.
This month in my Fresh Air Friday sessions we have been talking about comfort zones and how for long term happiness and fulfilment, finding a balance between feeling safe and stretching ourselves to do new things really serves us.
It's clear that great learning, both at work and in our personal lives, comes from those times where we have stretched ourselves. It's also clear that taking some time out between 'stretches' means we can consolidate that learning and use it well.
Contemplating what Comfort and Stretch mean to me
I've been thinking a lot about what this means to me and how my comfort zone and willingness to stretch vary in different areas of my life.
I often take part in physical challenges and regularly stretch myself out of my comfort zone in this area. For example, I like to trek in mountains and am looking forward to a visit to Nepal in October when I will be going to a high altitude and walking in an area that is unfamiliar to me.
In other areas such as some of the things I would like to achieve in my business, when I think of them I feel anxious and this leaves me stuck in a cycle of procrastination.
This is often linked to not knowing where to start with something unfamiliar and the confidence to make a plan. With a physical challenge such as trekking or running I find it easier to make a plan of steps to be taken and get help from someone who has already done it.
Changing my Mindset
With something that involves an internal change such as a mindset change, knowing where to start can seem daunting and what steps to take are unclear. In this situation it is often useful to find a coach or listening partner who can guide you in thinking deeper and getting to the root cause of what is holding you back. In all my Fresh Air Fridays sessions we provide time for listening to each other about our monthly topic. This month, I've come a long way in my exploration of comfort and stretch zones through being given the space to talk and be listened to.
Public Speaking - Way out of my Comfort Zone
As a child I was extremely shy and would often hide when my aunts came to visit, I got tongue tied and embarrassed when they tried to strike up a conversation with me. Years later I remember watching my Dad give a speech at a public event and thinking I could never do that. In fact public speaking was more than a stretch for me, even the thought of it put me into panic.
My early career was spent as an analyst/programmer, I was happy talking to individual stakeholders and small groups but never had to give presentations. As my career progressed, it became clear that sooner or later I was going to have to start speaking more to groups in team meetings and workshops. I cherished an ambition of being able to speak at events like my Dad did, but it felt like a stretch too far.
At one point I was told by a manager to deliver a presentation to about one hundred people on a subject I was not familiar with. I was given very little support and expected to just do it. Well, I did it but hated it and the experience put me off presenting even more.
Deciding to Stretch
Move forward a few years and I decided I wanted to overcome my fear and become a confident public speaker. My first step towards this was to study people who I considered to be excellent public speakers. Through questioning them, observing them and using the skills I have from my work as an analyst, I got a really good understanding of how excellent presenters prepare themselves to deliver a memorable public performance.
In addition I looked at skills I already had to help me in taking steps towards my goal. I knew that I was comfortable acting out short plays and could take on roles to do this. In my study of excellent presenters I discovered that they all took on a different role or persona when presenting, it was like acting.
Moving towards Success
From this, I set myself small challenges each week using what I had learned. Gradually I became more practiced at speaking and felt comfortable speaking to small groups.
The big test came for me when I was accepted along with a colleague to speak at a conference in London. I could feel all the old anxieties coming back, but with the support of my colleague and continuing to take small steps towards my goal I did it and even enjoyed myself.
Since that day I’ve now gone on to speak at conferences in the UK, New Zealand and South Africa. I still get nervous, but now use this in a positive way to help me speak at my best.
Photograph by Chantelle Edwards
Tips I have from exploring comfort and stretch are:
How did I feel once I started to stretch?
What kept me going?
How do I feel now when I think about this?
This month in our Fresh Air Friday sessions across the country we've been talking about relationships and exploring ways we can deal with relationships in our lives which challenge us.
Healthy relationships and good social connections are some of the most important aspects of life, we thrive through connecting with others. Strong relationships support us in difficult times and it is essential for our long term well-being and happiness to have positive relationships.
Each of us is different, we have our own individual way of interacting with the world around us and how we interpret what is happening around us. There can be times when mis-understandings lead to difficulties in relationships. We also tend to run patterns of behaviour with certain people based on what has happened in the past. During my Fresh Air Fridays sessions in March we spent a lot of time talking about patterns which play out in the various relationships in our lives. Many of the ones we discussed were in families and in groups of friends where we know each other well.
An example that came up for me is my relationship with my sister. I don't see her often because she lives abroad, but when I do it doesn't take long before I get irritated by her. We see the world in very different ways and some of the patterns we run with each other go back to our childhood. As well as patterns playing out between the two of us, there are also behavioural patterns going on at the family level.
Here are some of the ways I've looked at our relationship and changed how I feel:
None of us can change another person's behaviour, but by taking ownership for how you feel about the relationship, thinking about things from the other person's perspective and being open in how you communicate, you can create foundations for building better relationships.
Consider a different perspective
I can't change my sister's behaviour, but I can choose how I respond to it, particularly when she does things that annoy me. One thing I've been doing since talking about this on a Fresh Air Fridays session, is to look at things from her perspective and see if I can understand her intentions.
One thing I thought about when doing this is that she lives in another country away from her family and has lived there for 20 years. What this means is that when she comes over to the UK she wants to catch up with everyone and have big family gatherings. She lives in the Mediterranean where both the working and leisure culture are very different to the UK as well as the weather.
These things combined lead to her flitting in and out at all times of the day and I'm never sure when she will be home. I want to be a good host, be sociable and provide her with nice food, however I'm not sure what time of day or night she will be around.
Last year when she visited I was going through a particularly stressful time which meant I easily reacted to the not knowing when she would be home.
By re-framing it and seeing what might be going on for her, I've been able to let go of my annoyance and have a conversation around what works best for both of us plus the practicalities for her of travelling around the UK and visiting all the family when she is here.
Something one of my members said whilst talking about her challenging relationship was that she now treats all her interactions with this person as a learning opportunity. I'm now learning how to respond when my sister pushes my buttons and take a more realxed approach to her stays.
Give yourself permission to experience the emotions that come up
Some times even when we look for the intention behind someone's behaviour, it is still difficult to change how we feel about it. On these occasions it can be good to get out for a walk and give yourself permission just to feel the emotions that are coming up for you. We don't often give ourselves the time or permission to reflect on how we feel about situations and be kind to ourselves. I spent some time whilst out walking letting myself become aware of the emotions I was feeling after a phone call with my sister. It was good to recognise my irritation and annoyance, realise what message it was giving me and then move on to something calmer.
Be kind to yourself
Finally, many of us spend time doing the best we can for others and taking responsibility for how we behave towards others, yet we don't think about how we treat ourselves. Whilst addressing some of the difficulties mentioned above, there could be the voice inside your head being very critical about what you are doing. Take some time every day to write down three things that have gone well for you that day.
Remember.... The only person we can ever change is ourselves - ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world’.
I’ve just got home after running my third Fresh Air Fridays session this month and have been reflecting on our theme which is being present.
So often we spend much of our lives rushing from one place to the next and either thinking about what is next in our plan or ruminating over what went wrong in the past. Then, when we do stop and notice what is around us, our brains are busy making connections for us rather than staying in the current moment.
For example, this week has been very muddy and as I played with my foot in the mud feeling the squelch and watching the muddy water go over the top of my boot, I was transported to a memory of being at my grandparents farm when I was a small child. I got stuck in the mud in the farm yard and my red welly wouldn’t come out. I was scared because there were cows close by and I thought I was going to sink into the mud and be walked on by the cows.
My grandad scooped me up in his arms and bent down to pull out the stuck welly, so all was well. Unfortunately for me, my brain had already registered danger and started up the fight or flight response and this is what happened to me this week as soon as I felt the mud get sticky under my foot. I could feel my heart quicken and my body tense even though I knew I was perfectly safe.
As soon as I noticed this, I was able to bring myself back to the present and focus on what I could see that I enjoyed. Also, I know as an adult that I am safe and was quickly able to smile at the memory of being with my grandparents. I have been practicing mindful walking and staying in the present moment for a while so am able to use these skills whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed by things going on around me.
However, I do find it hard to be mindful, my mind is often busy with thoughts of my day and ideas for projects which makes it challenging for me.
Since finding Fresh Air Fridays and doing more mindfulness practice outdoors, I’m finding it much easier to be present and stay in the current moment.
A lot of our pain and discomfort comes from thinking about the past or future and taking time to be present in the current moment gives us a break from this. Tuning into your senses whilst outdoors is a great way to start learning how to be present. For example, next time you go out for a walk spend a few minutes noticing what you can see, then switch your attention to what you can hear and finally to what you feel. If your mind wonders, it doesn’t matter, the fact that you have noticed this is the first step in becoming more mindful.
We spend some time on all our Fresh Air Fridays sessions being present and enjoying our surroundings. Get in touch if you’d like to come along and try out a session.
I loved the idea of Fresh Air Fridays as soon as I saw it pop up on my Facebook page in 2016. I went along to my first session which was a launch event for one of the local facilitators and loved it so much I signed up immediately. Over the next couple of months I got so much from it that I decided to become a facilitator and am loving every minute of it.
It’s now over two years since my very first Fresh Air Fridays session and it feels a good time to reflect on the difference it has made to my life and how this has now become a core part of my business.
My husband and his family first introduced me to walking, we met when we were 16 and I went on holiday with his family several times. We always went somewhere in the UK with lovely walking areas and I soon found myself out walking the Devon coastline or exploring the Lake District.
Move forward seven years and when we got married, we spent our honeymoon in the Lake District walking in the hills in the south lakes. For us, being outdoors has become a time for adventure but also to reconnect with each other. Over the years we still trek regularly in the UK and have also walked in many European countries including Majorca, Slovenia and Switzerland. Some of our highlights have been walking in the Himalayas both in Nepal and Bhutan.
One of the most awe-inspiring memories I have is of standing at Annapurna base camp in the middle of the night and looking at the peaks around me. I had already climbed to an altitude of over 4500m, yet there was another 4000m of these majestic mountains around me. There was no light pollution, so the stars were sparkling, and the moon shone brightly on the snow. It was a very spiritual moment where I felt very connected to nature and reflecting on how lucky I was to be able to stand there.
Coming back to Fresh Air Fridays, I feel the connection with nature very strongly in all our sessions. It is wonderful to take time away from the busyness of day to day life to be immersed in my surroundings and spend time noticing what is around me.
Our monthly discussion topics have given me the space to talk through some things that challenge me, and I’ve made some very good friendships with both my growing community of members and my fellow facilitators.
For me, my biggest transformation has been to take me away from living my life constantly in stress mode, to finding a balance. This has allowed me to enjoy my work a lot more and be much clearer on what is right for me and what isn’t.
My personality means I am very goal driven and want to make things happen, the downside of this is I’m always doing, doing and find it hard to just ‘be’. I’ve done mindfulness courses in the past yet still found it hard to quieten my busy mind. On some days this is still difficult for me but being in nature makes it a lot easier as I can be very present as I walk and take in the wonderful sights and sounds around me which leads to me feeling very calm and relaxed.
It’s often after being on a Fresh Air Fridays session that I have my best ideas, or find I unlock a challenge I’ve been mulling over for days or weeks.
My life isn’t perfect and like everyone else there are times when difficult things happen. The difference for me since being part of Fresh Air Fridays, is that I now have resources to help me through the difficult times and most importantly like-minded people around me to go outside and talk things through with.
My father-in-law was in hospital and seriously ill last year, my husband had already gone to Devon to be with his mum and sister. I made arrangements to cover my work and then got ready to join him in Devon.
Before heading off, I booked in and went along to a Fresh Air Fridays session facilitated by my good friend Jeanette. I felt very shaky and emotional and was a bit unsure about going as my head was telling me I should be on my way to Devon. On reflection this was probably the best three hours I spent before what was to be a very challenging few months. I was given the space I needed to talk about what was happening and release the emotions I’d been bottling up.
I carried on with my journey to Devon knowing I had lots of support around me and that as a family we would get through it.
Sadly, my father-in-law died but we were all able to support him and each other in his last few weeks of life and give him a wonderful send off when we celebrated his 90 years of life at his funeral on a gloriously sunny day last April.
We are starting 2019 in our Fresh Air Friday sessions talking about filling ourselves up first. So many of us are brought up to believe we should put other’s needs before our own and this was my first thought when my father-in-law was ill.
Giving ourselves some space for self-care by doing something we enjoy, gives us the energy to live life fully and healthily.
Why not come along and try Fresh Air Fridays for yourself in 2019, the first session is FREE, and it will give you energy to live life at your best.
Get in touch to book your free place on one of my sessions
This month in my Fresh Air Fridays sessions we have been talking about our relationships with others and focusing on those interactions which irritate us.
How often do you find yourself saying something like?
‘she made me angry’,
‘they were so frustrating’ or perhaps
‘he wound me up so much I couldn’t enjoy myself’
All of these are our reactions to behaviours which we have seen in someone else and have chosen ourselves how we will react to them.
When we started thinking about occasions when someone had irritated us recently, it did not take long for all of us to come up with recent examples.
One person talked about their manager who always wanted more from her, and the team member who was forever doing different tasks to the ones she had been asked to do. Then there was the lodger who was irritating one of us because he hadn’t done something that had been asked of him several times and seemed to be taking no notice of several the rules he had been asked to sign up to when signing his lease.
For all of us, these were small things that were annoying us but we all noticed that they were gradually distracting us more and more because we were avoiding having a difficult conversation.
Thinking differently about the relationship
After identifying interactions that were irritating us we then went on to consider the interaction from a different perspective and to see if we could reframe it into something more positive.
We also thought about what positive intention the other person may have had in the way they behaved. By looking for a positive intention and reframing the behaviour of others into something more positive we can start to change how we react to their behaviour.
It doesn’t matter whether the positive intention is what the other person is actually thinking because it is a story we are running for ourselves, in the same way as our reaction to their behaviour is a story we are running.
The team member who was doing different tasks was new to the team and was perhaps looking to go over and above what had been asked to make a good start and feel that she belonged to the team. The lodger was having a difficult time at work and perhaps he had overlooked some of the house rules due to being overwhelmed and feeling unwell.
When looking at the relationships from these new perspectives, we all found that we could consider things more objectively and came up with plans on how to have the conversations we wanted to have in a respectful way.
Next time you notice that you are starting to feel annoyed or irritated by someone else’s behaviour, acknowledge this and see if you can find the positive intention in what they are doing.
If you find you are really stuck with this and can’t feel better about the relationship, then go for a walk and give yourself permission to feel whatever negative emotion there is without any judgement. This is often the first step in dissipating the negative feelings.
To join my Fresh Air Fridays groups or for one to one coaching - contact me
Fresh Air Fridays in January - Reflections on Filling Yourself Up First
For many, last week was the first full week back at work since the Christmas break and it may have been a challenge, leaving you feeling stressed, and made even more difficult by doing your best to keep new year’s resolutions. On Friday morning the weather was murky and misty, not an ideal start for Fresh Air Fridays in 2018 and welcoming two visitors, yet I knew that as soon as I got outdoors I would connect with my surroundings and feel much more relaxed.
This month during my Fresh Air Friday sessions we have been talking about filling ourselves first. Many of us are brought up to believe that we need to put the wants and desires of others before our own. This may be fine for a while, but long term is unsustainable and works for nobody. When we spend time re-charging our own batteries and doing the things we need for our own wellbeing, then we can support and give to others. It is a bit like the safety briefing on a plane where they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
I've run two session this month and discussed this theme with my members and visitors, here are some of my thoughts and reflections from what we experienced.
As soon as I stopped and took time to do some deep breathing, I noticed my surroundings and the number of birds that were singing, I had not noticed this until I stopped being busy doing and spent some time just being. This was made even better by taking time to be present to my surroundings; this meant I could forget about my ever growing to do list, worrying about what might happen in the future or dwelling on something which had bothered me previously and just enjoy being in the current moment.
For the first of my two sessions this month, we went to the roman wall at Silchester. It was fabulous to stop and look at the structure of the roman wall, wonder where the stone had come from and marvel at how long it has been there.
I soon noticed people on the session who had arrived saying they felt stressed and looking a bit distracted, had calmed down, forgotten about their mobile phones and were taking time to enjoy talking about the things they love to do. We talked about what we love doing, things that help us fill ourselves with energy. There were many varied things and just talking about them made us all smile.
What stops us doing those things that fill us up? Lots of I should, or I must statements, our feelings of obligations to others and putting needs of others above our own. One person commented that it is often her husband who notices when she is doing too much and needs to do something for herself.
On Saturday I walked on the Basingstoke canal with a member, we have both experienced the session on filling yourself first previously, yet we noticed that each time we revisit the subject we gain new insights and have new ideas. Today we spoke about some simple things like taking a few minutes out to read a book or going to bed earlier to give ourselves time to relax, enjoy reading and get to sleep early enough to have a good nights’ sleep.
Just being on the session was giving all of us time and space to recharge our batteries. In every Fresh Air Fridays session, we start with a deep breathing exercise, this is an immediate and easy way of calming the body. It was very noticeable the difference in everyone after taking a couple of minutes to just breathe deeply.
Another idea that came up was that filling yourself first doesn’t have to be an individual activity, it could involve doing something as a family or a couple. Things that we thought about were visiting a museum, going to an art gallery and visiting a spa. One of the most relaxing days out I had recently was going to the British library with one of my daughters to see the Harry Potter History of Magic exhibition. It was fascinating getting insights into the history of magic and feeling you were stepping into the shoes of JK Rowling as she sat with a cup of tea and created the stories and characters in the Harry Potter series.
Back to our Fresh Air Fridays session, following a refreshment stop with a hot drink and snack we did a short meditation and then talked about what actions we would take this month to make sure we are taking care of ourselves.
Finally, we took a few minutes to consider what we are grateful for. By focusing on the positive things in our lives we are training our brains to look for positives and have a positive mindset. This can be difficult when life is challenging but just being grateful for the small pleasures in life is enough to change our mindset longer term. This weekend I am grateful for the fact that I found Fresh Air Fridays and I have rediscovered some of the things I love to do that I've been neglecting.
Next month in Fresh Air Fridays we will be talking about and practicing being present. This underpins all our other themes and is something we visit every month and February will be a time to explore it in more depth and really immerse ourselves in staying present.
If you would like to come and try Fresh Air Fridays, get in touch with me today.