managing your inner critic

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This month in our Fresh Air Fridays sessions we have been talking about self belief. The conversation started by considering what we say to ourselves about ourselves, recognising the inner chatter that goes on in our heads and what it is saying to us. 

If you’ve never considered this before you may be wondering what do we mean when we say the inner chatter or self talk. This is what we say to ourselves when we are thinking about something. The voice could be a cheerleader saying things such as ‘you can do it’, ‘keep going’, or it could be a critic making comments like ‘I’ll get found out soon’, ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘what will everyone think’, ‘you are so stupid, how could you think you can do this’.

We all have periods in our lives where we experience doubt in ourselves and others where we feel confident and able to take on any challenge. It can sometimes feel like we have more than once voice inside us, one is encouraging and the other is trying to stop us. When the critical voice is silenced or the various conflicting voices feel in balance, then we can get on with life.

If you regularly have a critical inner voice this can hold you back from many things such as putting yourself forward for a challenging project or a promotion. It might also stop you doing things in your personal life. 

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One of the times in my life when my inner critic was loudest was when I went home with my new baby. As I sat down in my house with my precious child still in her car seat in front of me, the voice said ‘She’s your responsibility, what are you going to do now, you haven’t got a clue’.

A first step to changing a critical inner voice is to notice it and get clear about how you are talking to yourself. You might find that the voice links back to something that happened in your childhood or a very influential person in your early years. Just by noticing it, you can start to change it.​

​Taking time away from the distractions of a busy life and giving yourself time to notice what is going on for you is a start to recognising your inner voice. Going out for a walk is a great way to do this because when we walk, the movement starts to release endorphin, relax us and then the brain is more able to work at it's best. This could be made even more valuable by walking with a trusted friend or colleague, then you can give each other the opportunity to talk and be listened to. 

Once, you are aware of the inner voice, it is useful to acknowledge why the voice is there and what the positive intention is that it has for you. Often it is about trying to keep you safe and protect you from harm or embarrassment.

One way you can start to manage the inner critic is to actively take time to be kind to yourself and say positive things about yourself to yourself. Kirsten Neff, a pioneering researcher in the field of self compassion, has written extensively about kindness to self. Here is one of the exercises she suggests which you might find helpful:

Kirsten Neff - Changing Critical Self Talk

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Body language is also important in how we feel about ourselves, it is helpful when you are out walking to roll your shoulders back, keep your head up and walk with a good pace and rhythm.  Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist, has researched the impact of body language on how we feel about ourselves. Here is a link to her ted talk on this subject: 

​Amy Cuddy - Your Body Language Shapes who you are

Through noticing the voice and softening the way you talk to yourself, you will notice your confidence in many areas of your life will improve.